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The beginning of football
Copyright Irv Graham

It has been written in the great book about how when one King fancies his chances against another King. They would each pick eleven warriors from their respective toon armies. These men had to go into the arena and fight. In those days there was no such thing as a draw they either fought to the death or one side ceded or if they were all injured and the fight couldn’t go on then they counted the dead. Those with the most kills won.
Now if you remember the Geordies had already won one fight with the Jocks, so they owed them a rematch. As the Jocks and the Geordies had made pals, they didn’t want to go killing one and another. They war in a reet pickle cos the law waas the law and a rematch had to be taken. So they aal got together over a few bottles of Toon Ale and started hoyin ideas aboot. One idea was to hoy pigs into the arena. The idea was to run aroond in the clarts and try to catch them. They discarded that but it did catch on else were.
Anyway they were all pixilated by now when one of the Scots feeling hungry went to fetch a haggis which he accidentally dropped on the flair, where one of the Geordies gave it such a wellie, It flew oot the window into a field, the whole party was up and after it and that’s how the first game of football came aboot and was forever after used by the toon armies to settle arguments.